Day One in The House of the Rising Sun

Day One in the House of the Rising Sun

All the long held back feelings of love, passion, and destiny came rushing back the moment he entered the already crowded room. Family was gathered in anxious anticipation of our newest grandson, nephew, great-nephew, son. Ours. His and mine. Our beautiful son’s second son. Our beautiful son who would forever connect us. A connection that has continuously allowed me to entertain the fantasy that my cavernous hunger would someday be satisfied. I could one day say that I wake each day having been held in his arms throughout the night. Every night. For the rest of my days.

As I look into his beautiful obsidian eyes on this joyous day, though, I am reminded yet again that I made the choice to marry another man. I made the choice to follow my head instead of my heart. I made the safe choice. The comfortable choice. The I’ll-never-have-to-struggle choice. A choice that I regret with every memory I hold of Rob—every picture I’m forced to look at, posted by his children on social media, every family gathering during which I’m forced to remember his smell and hear his voice, and feel his touch on my skin, if only for a friendly familial hug.

I remember that touch. I keep looking at his hands, and in my mind I can feel them caressing my skin, feeling my hair, driving me insane with every emotion inside of me crashing into another. I hear his voice casually discussing the events of the day, and in my heart I hear that voice calling me ‘Sugar’ in its slow, sensual way. I try to avoid any eye contact because I know that this could be the fatal move that would open everyone’s eyes to the feelings welling so quickly inside of me. So far I’m holding it together pretty well. I suggest that we all go out to dinner. Let’s get out of this crowded room before I lose my mind completely.

There are so many of us we take three cars to the quaint Mexican restaurant requested by my daughter in law. My girls and I arrive first. We are seated in party room in the back with sombreros and various sun and moon stages adorning the walls. My sister in law and other daughter arrive next and take their seats at the long table. Finally Rob appears with our grandson, daughter in law and daughter in law's father. I look up and see him and my heart begins to beat faster. I quickly look away. I begin a conversation with my daughter in law to take my mind off of him. I’m not looking anywhere but directly at her—focusing every bit of my attention where it belongs. I won’t let anyone see. I won’t melt. I’m focused on Chelsey’s words. I won’t…I feel him next to me. I realize that no one else has chosen that particular seat. My stomach has suddenly entered a gymnastics event and is scoring perfect 10s. I can’t breathe. Everyone must see it. It has to be all over my face. I can’t think. I can’t function. I can’t anything. I just can’t. 

Everyone is nearly done eating and something has fallen to the floor on the other side of the table. I have no idea what because I still have no control over my thoughts. Rob reaches to pick it up and brushes my leg. My body goes numb. My mind goes numb. The other gymnasts have quit the event in my stomach because there is no competition—there is no stopping the aerial acrobatics being performed so precisely while I lose all sanity and function.

I have no idea what events took place, what words were said from that point until I made it back to my hotel room. I fell asleep quickly and dreamed of him all night. I dreamt of him as though we were never apart. There was no longing because I was never without him. I slept more soundly than I can ever recall. 

Day two is filled with anticipation in the hospital waiting room. I focus all of my energy on Zaedin and my girls and especially Zac and Chelsey. I realize yet again how very blessed Zac is to have Chelsey. It is a perfectly beautiful day. Beginning with anticipation and ending with incredible blessing. I am okay being around Rob today—maybe because of my wonderful sleep the night before, or maybe because of the amazing day I was having. Everything is now right in my universe. I am truly and completely happy. Rob is there in the back of my mind. Always. Baby Chaz has arrived and I have returned to the hotel and he has returned to his small, unassuming home. I think about how much I’d like one of those ‘familial, friendly hugs’. I can handle it now. I’m good. I’ve got this. I need this. I need to feel him again before I leave. I’ll be able to spend all day tomorrow at the home he shares with Zac and Chelsey. We’ll talk and laugh and be the family we were meant to be. If only for a day…

A storm is approaching quickly. Fate, destiny, God or Satan—I do not know which one at this point in my story—has willed it to approach quickly to remove me from this situation. My girls and I are forced on the road early. We stop by the house to say goodbye to Zaedin. I'm disappointed yet relieved that Rob is not there--he must still be sleeping or simply giving the other grandparents alone time with their grandson. I don’t dare knock on his door. We make our way to the hospital to say goodbye to our new family member and his wonderful parents and I tell Zac to tell his dad we said goodbye. I’m sick with regret. I’m sick with longing. I should have just gone back to his little house and said goodbye. One hug wouldn’t have hurt anything and it would have satisfied a little bit of the hunger. No, that would have been dangerous, you did what was right. You are married. It’s wrong to feel this way. It’s wrong to want. He’s moved on. You’ve moved on. Let it go. 

We make it safely home. I look around my lifeless house and I realize I’m not living. I’m existing. I don’t want to be on my death bed and wonder what if. I want to live. I want to feel the happiness and contentedness I felt when I was near him. When I was surrounded by happy family. I need clarity. I need to get rid of the cloud that has enveloped me. I need to fix my marriage or end it. I’ve been trying to fix it. Or have I? Am I giving up too easily because I want to feel the love that only one man has the ability to make me feel? My thoughts are ridiculous and they’re driving me mad.

I send some pictures of our new grandson to Rob. To prove to myself I’m only sending photos and not attempting to gain further attention from Rob, I send some to Chelsey’s father too. My phone lets me know I have a message and my heart accelerates when I see the sender’s name. The message reads:

It was wonderful to see you and your beautiful girls! It warmed the place I always have in my heart for you and made a joyful event even move special for me. I am so grateful to you for your sweet kindness and for our awesome son and now TWO grandsons. It’s wonderful for me to have them so close. Thank you so much! You looked great, so beautiful I can’t find words for it. And you seemed happy too, which also warmed my heart. Gotta go dote on Chaz and play in snow with Zaedin now. Wish you and beautiful Beth and awesome Anna were still here. Hope you come back soon.

I can’t…I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t stay in this loveless marriage. I can’t stay away from him. I. Honestly. Can’t. Think. 

I walk around in a fog for the next several days. Co-workers ask what's wrong. My girls ask what's wrong. My husband asks what's wrong. I can't put any of it into words yet, but I'm trying in my mind to get a handle on it. 

So here I sit in the Rising Sun Bistro and Market Café in downtown Brooksville trying to clear my mind--to remove the all-encompassing cloud around my thoughts. I will continue to make this my place of clarity until I find it. And I will find it. Clarity, I mean.  J