Vorfreude

Trepidation, expectation, titillating excitement, and nearly debilitating anxiety consumed me from the moment I hit “purchase” on the Allegiant Airlines reservation screen. Who am I kidding? These feelings have consumed me since I left Richmond a few weeks ago to avoid the storm, but they intensified tenfold at the thought of returning so soon. I had to get back to the place that brought me so fully back to life. The small taste of what life could feel like had taken a strong hold of every thought in my mind and every breath that entered and exited my body. I could not let it slip away. I decided I will spend the rest of my days with this feeling—this excitement for life and all that it is—filling my soul.

Zac has given me the most loving, giving, happy little family that I could ever have imagined. He chose the absolute best soulmate and mother in Chelsey. The love, teaching, and management that she gives to their perfectly growing family takes my breath away sometimes. I wanted to get to know her better. What makes her really happy? Angry? What are her discipline philosophies? What is her love philosophy? Where, in her life, can I help her? Is she open to help? What can I possibly do to strengthen our relationship?

I have always been aware of the amazing child that Zaedin is, but I’ve never been allowed to become part of his world. I was determined to change this. I needed to know Zaedin now, absent of Beth. His bond with her has always overshadowed any feelings that we could have had with each other. I would change this during my upcoming trip, whatever it took.

Baby Chaz. The bond was immediate the first time I held him and looked into his old soul through his beautiful newborn eyes. I saw so much of Zac in him, it made me fill with a joy that who he is will live on, and a longing to have him back in his young, innocent form. I was not going to allow the natural bond I felt that day to weaken in any way. Our connection was going to stay strong as long as I was alive to continue to strengthen it. 

Then, of course, in the back of my mind, in my secret heart, has always been Rob. I knew it was wrong to feel anything at all, no less the intense feelings that overcame me every time I thought of his face, his hands, his voice, his words, his thoughts, but I could not stifle them no matter how hard I tried. I have lived with these feelings for more than 25 years. I have tried to lose them, lessen them, replace them, only to have them return with fervor every time I saw his face or heard his voice. For 25 years. Why, so many years ago, was he willing to give other women the chance to make him happy, when I was never allowed the same opportunity? Was I too nice? Was I too needy? Why was my profound love always only mine? I find myself being Bette Midler belting out Beast of Burden. Before I lived this song, I remember thinking, Hey Mick, she just isn’t feeling it. Get over it and move on. Not so easy when feelings run deeper than the deepest ocean trench’s depths—and they are mine. 

So I waited, quite impatiently I might add, for January 27^th to arrive and bring me to my happiness. The days dragged as thoughts of what could be exploded around me and through me. I finally made my way to the airport several hours before I needed to be there on the morning of my journey. I thought the extra time might help me gather myself. I know that my soul was shining through my face because everyone I encountered stared, smiled, conversed, and simply enjoyed the positive energy I was emitting. I felt it, and it was a feeling I never wanted to lose.