A family of four sat directly in front of me: mom, dad, 3
year old and infant boy. The little ones cried mercilessly during takeoff and
throughout most of the flight. Mom was completely stressed trying to shush her toddler;
Dad was trying to make his tiny twin laugh with bits of success between the cries. I
scanned the other passengers’ faces. Some were visibly annoyed, some angry,
some actually asked to change seats to one as far from the chaos as possible. I
smiled at the family and remembered my many flights just like them, only
without the help of a dad. I missed those flights. I missed being the mother of
children who relied solely on me for their every need. I missed the constant
love and the feeling of chubby little hands in mine. I even missed the
frustrated cries and antsy energy. I missed my babies as babies. My heart needed to bond
with my baby’s babies now, and I was on my way. As we waited to deplane I told
the frazzled mom and dad, much to their surprise, how much I envied them. I encouraged them to enjoy
even these times because, well, they will look away for only a moment and
they’ll be making the trip to visit their grandchildren. I prayed that they
heeded my advice.
I walked as quickly as my too-short legs would carry me to the
Enterprise counter to pick up my rental car. I
was finally on the last leg of my journey to this weekend of happiness. My heart felt as though
it was beating through my chest. My hands shook. I had a lump in my throat that
could have caused me to cry, laugh, or throw up at any moment. I called Zac to
tell him I should be there very soon.
As I pulled into the driveway of the tiny white home that
Zac and Chelsey shared with Rob, I wondered how fast a heart could beat until
it became a heart attack. I got out of the car, and the back door opened—there
was my Zac. I hugged him like I had lost him and now he was found. I hugged him
like he was the little boy on the plane crying for the comfort of him mom. My
son. My only son. He has always brought me pride and love enough to fill a
thousand hearts. Being so far from him physically hurt me when I thought too
much about it. Being there with him at his home with his growing family was
where I belonged. It completely filled me with joy.
I spent the rest of the morning talking to Zac and Chelsey
and looking into baby Chaz’s astoundingly deep eyes and feeling the love from
him as he looked back into mine. I sang to him. I danced with him. I told him
how much I loved him. I told him stories about his mom and dad and big brother.
I told him about the family he had been born into. He listened intently to
every word. The love I was feeling poured out of me and into his beautiful
eyes, resting in his perfect heart.
The hour finally came to pick Zaedin up from school. I was nervous. Would he care that I was
there? Would he feel my insecurity and mirror it? My relationship with Zae has
always been strained. This trip was my chance to change that. This child was
unlike any other--except Zac—when I listened to him, I heard Zac, when I
watched his antics, I saw Zac. He was the young Zac that I’d been missing so
badly.
He came running into the cafeteria. He tried to run past me
with just a “Hi Granma”. I couldn’t let it begin like that. I scooped him up in my
arms and hugged his resisting body. It’s
ok, I’m not giving up. I put him down and he ran outside. Once outside, he
began sliding down the metal rail that ran along the concrete steps. Zac told
him to be careful, but I quickly chimed in telling Zae
to do it a million times and that would still not be enough to get back at Dad
for all of the dangerous things he did that scared me! I was both hoping to
receive brownie points from Zae as well as to remind Zac to let his son enjoy
life as much he did. Walking to the car, I
told Zaedin to think about what he wanted to do tomorrow, Saturday. I told him
that I was there to see him and we would do absolutely anything that would make his heart happy. Big brownie points—Zaedin
would own me this weekend. I was just as excited to hear his plans as he was to
make them. He chose a day of arcade games and go-carting. I hadn’t looked
forward to anything so much in a very long time.
Zac went to work and dinner time was approaching. Chelsey
and I decided that baked ziti would be an easy, tasty choice, so I made my way
to the market for ingredients. As I put one ingredient after another into my
cart, I imagined Rob sitting alone and hungry in his tiny
house-behind-the-house. I hoped so anyway. I shot him a quick text inviting him
to join us. Several minutes passed, then a reply telling me that he was having
dinner with Liz, his current or ex-girlfriend—no one was really sure, but that he would
stop by to see me later if I was still awake. A punch to the gut; it actually
took my breath away momentarily. An immediate lump formed in my throat. Stop it. You have no claim to him. Stop
feeling hurt. Just stop feeling. Let him go, damn it. I had tried to stop
these feelings for the better part of twenty five years. My heart was completely
independent of my head in any matters involving him. “Don’t worry about it. I’m
sorry if I interrupted. Enjoy!” I grudgingly texted back. I hoped the exclamation point after 'enjoy' would make it look genuine, though I did not want him to
enjoy a damn thing with her. Damn her.
She moved away—why did he still go there? Were they still a couple? Did he love
her? Did he ever love me? Why the hell am I even thinking these things? It’s
better this way. I’m here for Zac and his little family. I need to remember
that. I tried to convince myself, but the hope always remained in the back
of my mind that he would show up and confess his undying love for me and demand
that we remain together every minute that we have left of our lives. Hope. It’s
a thing with feathers, I’ve read.
Zaedin made dinner with me. I taught him how to cook, then
strain pasta. I let him add as much or as little of the various spices and
cheeses to the cooked pasta. I could feel the closeness I longed for
developing. This little human was so special, so smart, so funny. I was loving
getting to know him. He made us the best baked ziti Chelsey and I had ever had.
After dinner I put on my running shoes so I could run away the
excess of emotions that were overwhelming my heart. When Zaedin learned of my
plans, he asked to join me. There was no way I could tell him
no even though I needed this run for my sanity. This whole trip was to build
our relationship and he was expressing interest! Of course he could come!
Zaedin and I walked and ran and played and talked and sang
and laughed down the unlit narrow streets of his little neighborhood. I always
loved him, but I was becoming completely enamored by everything about him. This. Kid. Is. Amazing!
Zae led me, with his little flashlight, back to his
love-filled house. He was exhausted. I, however, was still filled with nervous
energy and emotions swirling in my heart and mind. I went back outside to try
to run some of it off. The darkness intensified every sound. I’d run a few
houses, then hear rustling and stop. I decided it was best to stay close to the
house in case the rustling was actually something harmful.
I was 2 or 3 houses down when I heard Willow and Rufus
barking rather ferociously. I sprinted back to the house. Chelsey was home
alone with her babies. I would save them from whatever evil was signaling the
dogs to protect. I could be more ferocious than any dog if my family was in
danger. I burst through the back door only to see Rob standing in the kitchen
petting the very creatures that were about to destroy him just minutes earlier.
I was dumbstruck. I’m not even sure I was able to get a ‘hello’ out. All the
emotions that I was able to run off down the dark streets in front of the house
quickly took back over my heart, head, and my body. I tried not to look at his beautiful face. My hands began to shake
uncontrollably. My heart pounded through my chest. The lump in my throat was
very close to erupting into tears of joy or sadness; I couldn’t tell which. I
could not get even a glimpse of a handle on these emotions. I had to get out of
sight and sound of Rob quickly, before I was no longer able to contain the
craziness swirling inside of me.
I turned on my heel and announced that now I knew everyone
was safe, I was going to go back out to finish my walk. From the corner of my
eye I saw Rob grab his coat and say that he would join me. Could my heart take
any more? I was sure that I would soon find out just how fast and hard my heart
could beat before coming right through my skin.
He did a little jog to catch up with my nervous, fast pace, but once he did
an intense love consumed me. I could not look at him. I kept my gaze forward
and chattered incessantly about nothing. My body shook from its core. It was a
combination of cold, nerves, fear, and excitement like I had never felt. I was
walking at a pace comparable to a sprint. I was impervious to the winter air
that surrounded us and filled my lungs. When I finally looked next to me at
Rob, I saw him hunched forward and shivering as he walked. He was clearly not
impervious to the chill. I quickly apologized for my behavior and lack of
acknowledgement of his discomfort. Walking straight became impossible once I
looked at him, and I swerved into him. He grabbed my arm to steady me. After I
steadied my gait our arms remained locked for the rest of our walk. I was in
absolute heaven. My breathing became slow and deliberate. My mind raced. My
heart hoped. For exactly what I wasn’t sure, but it was good whatever it was.
Walking back toward the house, he suggested that he make me a hot cup of tea to warm up. I
was completely toasty from the love welling inside of me, but of course I
agreed. We sat in his tiny house-behind-the-house warming our frigid hands
on hot mugs, sipping tea and talking. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling better
than I did at that moment.
We must have talked and sipped and enjoyed each other’s
company for a bit too long because Zac called looking for me. Chelsey became
worried because the last she knew, I had gone for a walk in the dark alone. I
smiled at the thought of her caring about my safety.
I readied myself to walk back to the
house-in-front-of-the-house-behind-the-house, where Zaedin would be snuggled in
bed waiting for Grandma snuggles. I’m sure there was a golden glow surrounding
me as I felt every inch of him through a soul-feeding goodnight hug then walked
through the black night to my growing, love-drenched family. Yes, it was good whatever it was.
Jen ;)
